Finding Hope
by Taysia-Lenobia
Summary: Follow Shepard as she tries to restore the universe. After losing so many, and mass effect relays being blown up it seems an impossible task. Based off of Mass Effect 3 ORIGINAL destroy ending. I havent played the new ending so i'm unaware of any story differences **SPOILERS!**
1. Chapter 1

Pronunciation:

Asha- Ash-uh

Nathara- Nuh-thar-uh

*Shepard is biologically only 30 years old in Mass effect 3 although she is chronologically 32. Mass effect 3 took place in the end of the year 2186. In my story I got the good mass effect 3 ending, where Kaiden, Joker, and Garrus landed on some planet but got out of the Normandy to live. Nathara (Shepard) Takes a breath and is clearly alive in the end. All the mass effect relays were destroyed as well as all synthetics. Anderson died peacefully at my side as we watched earth.*

"This is Asha Shepard, diary entry 4728, year 2206" I pause and take a deep breath. Funny to think I started this diary 13 years ago…things weren't much simpler at 6 than they are at 19.

"It started such a long, long time ago. Or so I am told. At least double my meager years of existence and, as my mother tells me, even before that. It was an unbroken cycle of events until my mother came along. And being the woman she is, she crashed right through and broke the cycle. It's a story many know well, although maybe not as well as I do. And some of it I've only been told about. But most of it I've seen through her eyes, because of a gift. A gift a Prothean gave her not so long before I was born. I've only scratched the surface of what had happened and now I am finally ready to find out the rest."

I reach up and turn off the vidcam diary I've been keeping, slowly touching the mysterious artifact that will take me back into a time before my birth, to see the world through my mother's eyes.

Just open eyes. Open! Why won't they open…and that pounding. My head is killing me.

"Monitor changes, is she responding?" a loud voice said.

"Please let her be responding, if the tests are right they both need her strength." This one sounded like a worried female, why are they here?

"Listen it's a miracle we found her at all and I'll be damned if we lose her. Forget any other life, any other concerns Shepard will not die on my watch." A very loud male said...he sounded familiar. "Not again." That he added much more quietly. His voice sounds so familiar. Who is he?

My eyes must have finally listened because they open slightly…it's so bright. I shakily lift an arm to shield them.

"We've got movement!"

"Eyes are opening check monitors for response!" So many more voices started talking and I tried to sit up.

Then that male voice started talking, but more like whispering in my ear, "Shepard stay down. That's an order."

Order? Who orders me? Anderson…

"No!" I screamed almost sitting up, the full reality of Anderson's death coming down on me.

"Hold her down. We need to sedate her."

"Yes ma'am, sedation on the way…injecting now."

No…I want to stay awake. My head was getting fuzzier and fuzzier but I managed to hear.

"Damn it she started talking and now she's back under! Wake her up!"

"We can't because…." And off to sleep I went.

"Shepard? Shepard wake up."

My eyes open way easier this time. "Hackett? Is that you?"

"She's up, there will be no more sedation understand?" Hackett sounded commanding but also very tired.

I turned my head to the side and saw him. Looking around though everyone looked a little more tired, a little more aged. I tried to sit up and I felt a hand stop me. "Let me…sit up" I grunted as my head got dizzy and I nearly fell back down to the table.

"Commander Shepard really shouldn't be up and around Sir." She was clearly talking to admiral Hackett.

I forced myself up despite the rush in my head and my vision going blurry I looked to her. "Don't talk about me like I'm not here." I looked to each and every one of them. "Now tell me…what happened?" they all just stood there dumbfounded. "what happened? Where am I?" Still no one answered. I looked to Hackett. "Why is no one saying anything? I need to know what happened!"

"No one is saying anything because they don't know how much to tell you. They're scared. Lucky for you someone around here has the balls to do it." The cocky voice sounded so familiar. "Other than you of course. You have some pretty big balls Lola." At that I felt a small smile on my face.

"James."

"Damn straight, reapers can't take me down so easily. Seems like the same goes for you."

"So what happened? Where am I? How long have I been here? And…where is Kaiden?" I asked the last one in a small voice, if he didn't make it…

"Maybe some of these questions should be answered a little more delicately. James I'm sure you can clear a room, so do it."

"Tali?" I turned around to see both of them standing side by side, looking almost the same as they did before we battled on earth.

"Yes and there are some things that you're going to have to know…and I don't know how to tell you." She said quietly sitting down next to me. I heard James clearing the room and then talking to Hackett in a low voice. I looked over to Tali.

I wanted to ask about Kaiden again but there were so many things to ask. "I'll go easy on you. How long have I been in here?"

"A month."

"So I didn't die again?" I asked hesitantly almost sure I didn't.

"Not this time, Lola, would have been damn cool to watch them revive you though." James said sitting down in a swivel chair.

"Yeah well James you can't get rid of me that easily." I wanted to smile but there are so many questions.

"Yeah first you survive a reaper laser, then you get tossed to the citadel, and no one knows what crazy stuff went on in there. Then you help dock the Crucible and blow up the citadel. Which, by the way, plummets you down to earth and you're still standing, or lying down. I don't know how you do it."

"James." Tali scolds him in a low whisper obviously telling him to shut up.

"Well, I guess that answers what happened after I killed the illusive man and…" I pause. The boy…the catalyst. "And passed out after taking a few blind shots at a control panel." I lied. It didn't look like they could tell though. The last thing I need is for my friends to think I've lost it, or to know that I had 3 choices and possibly made the wrong one.

"Shepard, I don't want to badger you with questions but…did you know the mass effect relays would be destroyed? So many of us are stuck on earth now." Tali said this so sadly. How do you tell a person that you chose to make that happen? And so soon after she got her home world back.

"I…was aware of that but only shortly before it happened." I stepped around the question carefully. I want to be honest but…If this choice caused more hurt than I would have thought…I don't know how well I can live with that.

"Ah earth isn't so bad Tali. Well it looks like shit right now but it'll get better." James shrugged, turning around in the chair.

"My squad…" I looked down. "Liara, Garrus, Kaiden, and even Javik, what happened to them?" I was looking at James but he looked away and spun around in his chair. So I looked to Tali who also looked away. "Guys?"

"Yeah this looks like it's time for some girl talk, see you later Lola." He got up and walked out the door. "Good luck Tali."

"Shepard…"

"Tali, I've been through hell. I can probably even say that literally since I've died once already. I can take it. So tell me, what happened to my squad?" I demanded hiding my worry behind strength.

"EDI was destroyed, along with all the other synthetics. Javik is alive but he's always alone, touching things or talking to Liara. I never thought they would be talking though, he never seemed to like her." She tried laughing a little and acted like she wasn't going to say anything else.

"Tali" I warned knowing what she was doing. "I know I was on the brink of death for a month but it doesn't mean I don't know what you're trying to do." I looked at her until she looked at me. "Garrus, Kaiden…" I trailed off.

"We don't know. We've looked everywhere Shepard. They were on the Normandy for sure though. They escaped the reapers laser in a shuttle as they were about to die. It took them to the Normandy where they were helping Joker pilot. When that orange light spread out, destroying the relays, they went dark." She paused sighing. "We don't know what happened, Shepard, I am so sorry."

"No." I shook my head.

"What?" Tali asked confused, you could see it on her face despite the mask.

"No. You are not sorry. They aren't dead there is nothing to be sorry about." I got up and turned away, walking shakily so she couldn't see the tears in my eyes. But before Tali could respond the doors opened.

"Tali they need you downstairs, for the fleet count." I knew the voice…soft and young yet so wise. It was Liara.

"Very well," I hear her get up and walk towards the door. She whispered something to Liara but I couldn't hear her. So I just stood there until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Shepard," Liara said softly. "No, Nathara," She corrected herself using my first name. "I know you feel like you can't mourn, that you can't worry because you have to be this hero all the time. But even heroes mourn, have weakness, worry, even if they don't show it. Soon you will be overrun with questions and responsibilities I'm sure. "She paused tightening her grip on my shoulder. "So take this time to just be Nathara. To find peace. To mourn all those you lost. And do it well because when you step out of this room you will have to be Shepard again, and I don't know when you will get to be just Nathara again, or if that day will ever come." She sighed releasing my shoulder. "Have peace my friend." And then Liara left the room.

I turned to look out the large window, but I looked past the destruction on the surface of earth, past the struggling people and up to the stars, the ones that seemed so calm. I studied each and every one of them knowing my best pilot, my best friend, and the love of my existence were on one of them. And in that moment, for the first time in years, I cried.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Commander, there you are! You're needed in the conference room, now that you're back every one wants you opinion." A soldier told me.

"Thanks, I'll be right there." I said trying to loosen up. I get to sleep for a whole month and I still feel tired and sore, go figure. "Actually," I said loudly since he was walking away, "Can you point me in the right direction?"

"Oh, of course, sorry Commander. Follow me." He said turning around to lead me. "I have to say commander, you are an impressive person. I mean to unite the galaxy, defeat the reapers and live! It's amazing."

"I may have had a hand in all of that but you survived the reapers too soldier. You did well." I said partially not wanting to take responsibility for everything. Especially if I made the wrong choice. I know Liara will be right, she even told me before the battle that history will only remember my actions; I'm not sure how I feel about them remembering the wrong ones.

"Here we are commander." He said giving a slight salute.

I shook myself from my thoughts and nodded, "Thank you soldier." I walked into the conference room and I swear I almost shit my pants because standing in front of me was the Asari councilor. I would have never guessed any of them survived. It was obviously clear on my face because she smiled.

"Hello again commander, did you think I would die?" Tevos asked knowingly.

"No disrespect councilor, but yes I did. I didn't think anyone would survive…did the other councilors make it off the citadel?" I was shocked most of all to see the Asari councilor- if any had survived I would have thought it would have been Sparatus, the Turian councilor.

"No and I was very fortunate to make it." Tevos looked sad that the other councilors didn't make it.

"I was summoned here?" It was time to cut to the point. I've been gone for a month and who knows what hell could have broken loose.

"Well commander we figured you would want to be in the loop now." Hackett said stepping up.

"You were right." I said taking a breath. "So fill me in on the last month. Casualty counts, survivors, Communications outside earth, resources?"

"Well the casualties are catastrophic, we haven't even accounted for everyone in London yet." A soldier chimed in. The sick part is there is blood on his uniform. He's probably counted his fair share of deaths.

"And unfortunately the survivors are a gravely low number. For about every 100 casualties 5 people survived." Another person I hadn't seen before said disappointed.

"Damn that's only 1 in 20… Communications?" I asked looking to Hackett.

"None outside of Earth. We are having trouble even getting messages out around earth." Hackett shook his head. "So we can only assume situations elsewhere are just as dire."

I shook my head, lowering my eyes. That means…Kaiden, he could be out there anywhere and no one has any way of reaching one another. Hell there's no guarantee Kaiden Garrus and Joker landed at the same place…which reminds me… "Hackett, I assume you had radio contact with Anderson before the jump to the citadel."

"Yes, and Joker as well. Why commander?"

"What did Joker say? Why was he leaving earth? And why was my squad with him?" And why couldn't he have picked me up too. Looking out the window I'd rather be on some planet making a living for myself than repairing the damaged lives of so many. I just need a break.

"He picked up Alenko and Garrus but it was too risky to retrieve you. He was circling around trying to get back to you commander when he couldn't find you. He was heading back out to assist with destroying reapers. Communications were lost with Anderson right after that." Hackett said solemnly, obviously assuming their lives were lost.

"Do not look sad. They are not gone." I said sternly looking at everyone. They all nodded but I know they don't feel the same way and I know they are agreeing out of respect and sympathy. But now is not the time for arguments over 3 lives when many more are out there. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly and silently. "But honor the one who did pass. Anderson died at my side; his last vision was of earth being taken back by the galaxy. He left us with peace in his mind knowing we could get the job done. Now it's over with and if it hasn't been done already, he deserves a memorial service."

"Commander," Tevos stopped me "I realize Anderson was dear to you. He was an honorable man. But," She paused looking around slowly, "He was just one man. To set aside a day of memorial for him is sacrificing precious hours at research and retrieval."

"Tevos," I said looking her dead in the eye, I could hear the exhaustion in my own voice but I stood tall. "I am not asking for an entire day but an hour. The moment we start thinking of a man as a number instead of a person- to the extent we cannot spare less than an hour to honor them- is the moment all of those lives were lost in vain because we have begun to think like synthetics. Like the Reapers."

"Of course commander," Tevos said reluctantly. I could tell she didn't like showing that I had obtained even a little of the power she has held so long in the council so she added, "But you certainly don't expect us to honor every fallen soldier with a memorial service?" She stopped and then hastily corrected her mistake, "Individually of course."

I just shook my head. But then looked up, "Not individually, but there will be a memorial building for them; Maybe even more than one. No race will be excluded from it. But right now we need to focus on making earth a fitting place for a memorial. And it wouldn't do any one much good or restore any honor with it still in rubble. Our first order of rebuilding should be building a new council."

Tevos was suddenly at full attention, "Commander don't you mean rebuilding?"

"No." I looked to the room, full of humans, Asari, and Turians, with little representation of much else. "But new members need to be elected and I have a few ideas, If I may?" I asked trying not to forget all council meeting etiquette.

"Go ahead Shepard." Hackett nodded.

"Each race should be signified in the council. Instead of 3 members maybe 7. The top 6 races would be: Asari, Turian, Salarian, Human, Krogan, and Quarian, the seventh one to be determined." There was a moment of silence and then a mix of cheers and arguments…

I rubbed my temples and walked out of the conference room. Four hours I was in there. Three of them just deciding on possible actions to be voted on for the council and when the next meeting should be held. Its stupid how many people can still disagree after all we've been through. Tevos was glad to help unite the galaxy but now as the only surviving council member she made it obvious that she wanted a larger share of the power by continually suggesting a 'head of council' position. No way in hell that's going to happen.

"Shepard," Tali walked quickly up to me. "That was an amazing meeting. We made some definite progress. More than we had all month actually."

"If you call those 4 hours progress then I hate to see how the last month's meetings went."

Tali chuckled, "Yes be glad you were gone for those. And Shepard? Thanks, for putting the Quarian's on your suggested council. It means a lot to my people…and me."

"Of course Tali, the Quarian's, like so many other races deserve representation on the council."

"Commander, I'm Doctor Ilia and-" She noticed Tali "I'm so sorry I don't mean to interrupt, it's just I've been looking for you all day and…"

"No its fine I was just leaving. Thank you again Shepard." Tali turned and left.

"What is it you need to tell me Doctor?"

"You may want to sit down Commander" She gestured to a seat not far away.

"No thank you doctor, but I'm fine. If you can walk and talk that would be appreciated there's someone I have to see." I said starting to walk without her and she caught up quickly.

The Asari doctor looked over her file before looking to me. "Commander has anyone informed you of your time in treatment? Or do you remember anything?"

"No one told me much about it," I was cut off by a flash of memory. "Monitor changes, is she responding?" I shook my head, "I think I remember…"

"Please let her be responding, if the tests are right they both need her strength." The voice sounded like Doctor Ilia's

"Commander are you okay?" The doctor asked.

"Listen it's a miracle we found her at all and I'll be damned if we lose her. Forget any other life, any other concerns Shepard will not die on my watch."

"Not again."

"You treated me doctor?" I asked confused.

"Well not you…"

"Then who doctor…I don't have a lot of time. I really need some sleep." I said as I walked up to what was apparently my new cabin room.

"I couldn't agree more, so I'll just spit it out. Shepard, you are a month pregnant."

I just stared at her. Laugh. I need to laugh it's clearly a joke. I gave a weak laugh and she just stared at me. "You're joking right? Well any other time doctor I'm sure I would have laughed but right now there are millions of dead people and a whole galaxy to take care of and rebuild."

"Shepard I am afraid I am completely serious. It's developing well and it's amazing that both of you survived."

I blinked a few times in disbelief. This cannot be happening, how could I- Kaiden. I groaned aloud. You can't be serious we had only ever slept together twice. "Doctor I can't have a baby I have a world to help rebuild and the father is lost on some random planet and I have no clue which one it is." I said shaking my head and opening the door to my cabin, knowing I'll have to get rid of this baby. It will just be a distraction anyhow.

"Shepard, please," The doctor practically shouted in desperation to keep me from letting the door close. "You still have time to think about. Just think about it."

My eyebrows knitted in concentration and confusion at her desperation. "Why are you so concerned about this child Doctor Ilia?"

"I fought for a month to keep it alive. I wasn't even sure why at first. The easier way would have been to let it be a miscarriage and you probably would have recovered much quicker." She looked up at me guiltily, "But after a while I just couldn't let it die. There's been so much death already- most of which you have witnessed. I guess saving it gave me hope that new life can still arise in the midst of all this destruction. So I fought to keep it alive because it should be your choice in what happens to this life inside you. Since so few of us ever gain the control to save another." She looked down then and the sadness and turmoil on her face was clear.

I sighed. "I'll think it over, doctor." I said exhausted and I let my door shut behind me as I lay in my bed looking out to the stars.

Kaiden where are you and what the hell have you done this time…

**Author's Note** for those of your groaning saying you don't want to hear about a pregnancy or groaning about omg she's considering abortion? Or this book was just ruined because she's pregnant- don't worry. This book has never been meant to focus on Shepard's pregnancy. It's just a small detail that has to happen if the book is to make sense a little later on. So no worries there but if you were for some reason hoping it focused on Shepard's pregnancy then…too bad? Also feel free to check out my other books they are all about Dragon Age though. And soon I will have a picture of my FemShep up as my profile picture so if you want to see her you can. Thanks again for reading! 3


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I rolled over right off of my bed. Only I landed on rubble, I sat up slowly and looked around, Rubble everywhere. I stood up and saw someone over by a table that looked like it had a ton of guns on it. I started walking towards them when I heard it.

"I am the very model of a scientist Salarian…" It was whispered but in tune. Mordin? I tried to call out but nothing would come out. I saw the figure pick up a gun.

"I've studied species Turian Asari and Batarian." He loaded the gun and I started running but it felt like I was running through water that was chest high. "I'm quite good at genetics as a subset of biology," He turned the pistol in his hands. "Because I am an expert which I know is a tautology." He placed the gun to his head and I was so close I was screaming so loud but nothing came out, no sound at all. He had his back to me. Mordin just turn around! Just look at me!

"My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian," It wasn't whispering anymore it was full on singing and I was almost there just a little further. That's when he turned to look at me. His face was a mix of bravery and boldness with a saddened smile but beneath that…there was something cynical and evil when he saw me. "I am the very model of a-"He sang loudly and pulled the trigger right as I reached out for him. He disappeared leaving only a whisper of "scientist Salarian…" Hanging in the air. I fell down on my knees wanting to give up but a movement caught my eye.

"Shepard" Thane gasped sitting on a bench that was left standing in the rubble. Thane? Thane! I tried yelling. "you…are wicked. Evil. Uncaring." He gasped painfully in between words. "You failed us…we all died in vain." I stood there watching him. This Drell that I respected so much finally saying what no one else had the courage to. "Kill me Shepard. Kill me." No I screamed as he started saying kill me louder and louder. "You've already killed everyone else why not me? Do you hate me so much to let me suffer?" He gasped painfully. "Kill me!" And before I knew it a gun was in my hand pointing to his head and with no control over anything but my mouth that wouldn't work I pulled the trigger silently screaming NO!

I stood there frozen as I watched his body slump over and then disappear, shadows whispering things to me as a little boy walked up. The catalyst!

"At least you did the right thing this time Shepard. But it doesn't matter how many right things you do because you made the wrong choice." He shook his head. "I trusted you to make the right one. You should have chosen peace but you didn't want to die so you chose the worst possible outcome." That's not true! I tried to say but I wasn't even sure my mouth was opening. The catalyst smiled. "You could have replaced me… but no because that would be 'evil' you could have let everyone merge- synthetics and organics. But you were to close minded, had too much blind faith in your cycle, to end it. To see that peace will never last." I shook my head back and forth. He's wrong. This was the right choice It has to be.

The little boy laughed as though hearing my thoughts. It was an evil laugh that chilled me. "You wish so hard that you made the right choice that you lie to yourself for comfort. If you really believed you made the right choice you would tell everyone what really happened up there. But you are a coward. And you are always making selfish choices!" The catalyst stepped towards me placing a hand on my stomach "So make the right one this time. Kill her."

What? Who? I asked silently. The catalyst changed form. He was suddenly a young girl who rapidly grew into a young woman. She had long black hair and familiar brown eyes.

"Me." She whispered. "Kill me." She placed a hand on my stomach watching me before turning back into the little boy the catalyst first took form of.

I shook my head. No. How is that the right choice? Why should I listen to you?

"If you do not kill her Shepard. I will."

How I tried to yell for him to answer that one question as he was disappearing into the rubble he looked back smiling innocently. "I always have a plan Shepard. Always." The last word was whispered all around me as I collapsed on the ground.

I woke up gasping for air as if I were just drowning. I was covered in a cold sweat as I stood up and quickly pulled on my uniform. The sun was just starting to rise and I walked through the halls to get outside. I just needed to breathe in earth air, to really ground myself. To shake that awful dream. I stepped outside and watched the sun taking in a deep breath before coughing it all back out.

"It's not as fresh as it used to be huh Lola?" James said stepping up next to me from nowhere.

I watched the sun. "No, it's not." I sighed and sank to the ground and he did the same next to me.

"How long do you think it'll take to repair it?" He asked not looking at me, just watching the sun. It really was amazing to watch the sun come up so calm and quiet just like it was any other morning and everything that happened a month ago could be forgotten, if you only watched the sun.

"I honestly can't say. There is so much more we have to do first." I shook my head at the impossible task before us.

"Ah don't look so down Lola," James said pushing some of the solemnness out of his voice. "You united an entire galaxy, rebuilding it should be nothing." I felt his huge arms shrug next to me and I looked over at him.

"Sure but it'll take patience and that's not my strong suit." I smiled when he nodded and turned back to watching the sun.

"Tell me about it. We better not be the only two N7's left on earth or this order is going to fall to shit."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, James." I smiled and elbowed him jokingly. We sat there for a minute in silence watching the sun come up slowly. I felt James squirm uncomfortably next to me. He was never good with silence.

"The sun rise isn't as beautiful with all this rubble lying around." He attempted conversation.

"Well maybe for the last month you should have been cleaning it up instead of standing over my bed sick with worry." I said mostly joking.

"Yeah worried about how I would possibly fill the former N7's shoes. I can hear them now 'well Shepard died and came back and almost died again for us. What are you going to do'." He paused for a bit. "I was cleaning up though. We all were. But pulling up piece after piece of rubble only to find more and more bodies of soldiers and civilians, it gets to be too much to handle real quick." He shook his head still watching the sun.

I nodded. "I've seen my share of dead over the years but I'm sure this will be worse than all of those experiences." We sat in silence a bit longer before someone came out saying they need me.

"Guess you better go Lola. It's for the best- staring at the sun will make you go blind. And although I'm sure you could still kick ass blind you don't have the face for sunglasses."

I laughed. "Damn straight I could kick ass blind and if you ever made fun of my sunglasses I would take you down in 2 seconds, don't forget it." I turned to leave as I heard him chuckle. "And James, don't get yourself killed by some wild animal after you just survived a reaper attack. Not only would I become way too serious without your humor, but your name would be ruined forever."

"James Vega: Survived Reaper attack, killed by a pack of Wolves." He sighed with a little laugh. "It'd be just my luck commander." And then I walked in through the doors to see what business awaited me this time.

"Commander, the preparations for the memorial service are done and everyone is waiting on your approval. Here are the plans." The soldier said handing over his pad and I quickly scrolled through it.

"All right, it looks like everything is in order, round every one up. I'll meet you all in there." I walked to the room that would serve as a memorial hall for the next hour or so as everyone close to Anderson paid their respects. I can't believe I'm the last one to see him and to speak to him, and I'm glad I was with him in those final moments but it means I'll be the one to speak the most. It sounds selfish but what do I say? What's appropriate?

"Commander, they're ready for you." Someone peeked their head out and said in a whisper. I nodded and walked in.

Walking down the aisle I saw solemn faces and friends nodding in encouragement until I reached the podium. "Today we are here to honor not just one man but all of those who fell by his side. Anderson was an admirable man, strong and confident and smart. He always cared about his soldiers and I will never forget once when…

The service was over later everyone walking out solemnly. As I watched them I realized we need something to bring hope back. But what?

"Shepard?" Someone said from behind me and I jumped.

"Oh, Liara. How did you get into my quarters?"

"Never mind that," She waved a hand dismissively. "The council- or rather everyone left alive and a council member- is about to call the meeting for the next council. Everyone alive and near here is going to be there. Ever since your meeting last night the races have scrambled to come up with people who will represent them."

"Really? We don't even know if this will get approved."

"I know. But the way everyone is clinging to it I'm sure it will. My race's council member has been decided so I won't suffer through long decisions, but Tali and Wrex for instance have their hands full deciding on a representative with their people that are on earth."

I nodded about to ask why she was here when it dawned on me, "The humans don't expect me to appoint someone do they?"

"I'm afraid so." She paused for a moment letting it sink in. "Do you know who you're going to pick?"

I sighed, "I have no idea." Then, miraculously, I got an idea, "You're the shadow broker, so you still have unbelievable amounts of information, right?"

"Not as much as I used to but more than others do, yes."

"I need you to sift through your information and of all the humans left standing in London come up with the best 3 choices." I paused thinking my idea through, it seemed like it would work, "Then bring them to me."

"Okay, I'll get right on it." She stood up to leave, her face already buried into her data pad, "Shepard you do know that the meeting is tonight right?"

"Then you'll have to work fast."

"Always," She said mumbling things about information as she left.

I looked up through the window that covered most of my wall and squinted to see more clearly. I watched as silhouetted figures bent down, stood up, and carried things for a minute or two until I realized what was happening. They were soldiers, and they were back out there clearing rubble and bodies. I watched for what seemed like a long, and sad, time until I heard someone knock on the door. I was getting up slowly when a Krogan crashed through my door.

"Hey Shepard."

"Grunt? Why the hell did you just break my door?"

"Break? It was already broken! Damn thing wouldn't open." He shook his head, clearing some of the door pieces off of it.

"Because it was locked Grunt." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh well I'm just so used to the doors being broken around here since the solar power we have running cuts out in some parts of the buildings."

I tried to hide a smile, "Don't think I haven't heard that excuse before. A lot of people have been telling me and apparently Wrex that you are breaking doors and using bad excuses."

"Well…"

"Well," I said cutting him off before he could say anything. "I think you just like breaking doors." I smiled, "But I'm glad you're still around to break them."

He laughed, "Now see that's the spirit!"

"Yeah, yeah, just don't tell Wrex I said it." I sat back down in my chair.

"Too late." Wrex said from my doorway.

"So apparently my room just attracts Krogan?" I asked as Wrex walked through my non-existent door.

"Well hello to you too Shepard, glad you're glad to see me alive and all that."

"Wrex there wasn't a doubt in my mind that you would live." I chuckled as he nodded. "So what brings both of you to my quarters?"

"Well I came here to tell you Wrex was coming to see you." Grunt said.

"I sent him out almost an hour ago, but apparently he's been too busy breaking doors to come see you."

"I need to break something, and the humans get all pissy when I smash rubble." Grunt shrugged.

"Well go help the soldiers out there and this time only smash the rubble they tell you too." Wrex commanded but it was lighthearted.

"Bye Shepard." Grunt said as he left.

"Bye Grunt." I paused waiting for him to leave. "So then what brings you here Wrex?"

"Can't a Krogan come by to see an old friend?"

"Absolutely, and that would make sense if the friend wasn't me and we weren't still in a galactic crisis. Since we are, what can I do for you?"

He chuckled, "Saw right through that one huh? Well it's about the council. First of all thanks for putting us on it Shepard, it means a lot to the Krogan. You've done a great deal for us over the last few years and we intend to find some way to pay you back."

"Wrex, you've already paid me back by helping me save my home."

"Well we still feel indebted to you, so we, or really I, would like your opinion on my choice for council. Because I suck at this politics crap."

"Wrex, I'm not much better at it. But-"

"Shepard? Oh hello, Wrex." Liara said looking from the door to Wrex and back to me.

"Liara." Wrex grunted in greeting.

"What do you need Liara?" I asked amused by her feigned indifference to the destroyed door.

"Well," She said slowly getting her bearings, "I have the candidate's files you wanted."

"Wrex and I are almost finished here." I said looking form her to Wrex who nodded.

"Okay well…I'll go and," She paused looking around again, "Go get someone to clean this up." And she left. As soon as she did Wrex and I couldn't help but burst out laughing.

I looked to Wrex, "In all seriousness, the Krogan you choose needs to be someone you trust to speak on your entire races behalf. If you can't trust him completely to make good choices and contact you when he needs input then he isn't the right one. I went through that with Udina, I never trusted him fully and he turned around and tried to kill the councilors."

"Well thanks Shepard I don't know what advice I was expecting but it helped at least a little."

"It's a big decision and it's entirely yours. It's hard to make those kinds of choices when you know you will be the one held entirely responsible if it goes wrong." I spoke from experience.

He grunted, "No pressure." Then he turned to leave. "Thanks again Shepard, for everything." And he left.

Shortly afterwards Liara came back in with a few people behind her who started cleaning up the mess.

"So we have 3 options, but we should really walk and talk the meeting is about to begin." She said already on her way out of the room and I followed her. "Marc," She handed a data pad over. "Lilly," She paused pulling up another file, "Or Alex." She handed me his data pad as well.

I didn't look at any of them right away, "Who do you like best?"

"What?" She asked confused, nearly stopping mid stride.

"Which one do you like best, Liara? I know you pulled three of them for me to have some choices but I'm also sure you did your work and found out some interesting things on them. So based on everything you know who do you like best?" I asked again continuing my stride and letting her catch up.

"Well, Alex is good…" She said uncertainly.

"Great," I put Alex's file on top. "Now who will I like best?"

She smiled. "Lilly. She can do everything Alex can but she has experience in battle and politics."

I smiled. I knew she would pick the smart and strong but young inexperienced one first. Because that was how she was looked at for so long by her race and it held her back. I scanned over Alex and Lilly's files as I walked aware that I had little time to make the choice.

"The meeting is only 5 minutes away Shepard. Choose quickly, and well." She said opening the doors to the conference hall. I nodded burying my face in their files. Studying them intently as people slowly filled in the doors. After a minute or two I looked up, mostly undecided when I saw her. Lilly. I reached my arm out and pulled her from the crowd flowing in.

"Lilly Aldune?" I asked recognizing her face from the picture.

"Yes…" She obviously recognized me although we had never met.

"Great. I've been looking over your file and I realize its short notice but I think you are a prime candidate for Earths Councilor."

"You mean the councilor of the entire human race?" She asked puzzled.

I nodded, her file said she was 41 but she looked much younger. "I know it's a lot to take in but we both have to be in that conference room in exactly 1 minute and 30 seconds. So you have about 60 seconds to decide." She still looked unsure. So I did the only thing I knew how when it came to appointing someone to something. I gave a pep talk like I did to my soldiers. "Listen, Lilly, it won't be easy. You will be making decisions that will affect not just a planet, not even just an entire race, but an entire galaxy. It'll be tough, and scary as hell. Especially at first. But you have experience in this. You've seen battle and you've dealt with your fair share of military politics, in the C-sec and on earth. Right now Earth needs you. The humans need you. And I need you because you sound like the kind of person who will do whatever it takes to keep earth and this galaxy safe."

"Just like you." She said simply and I nodded in reply, eyes pleading as I noticed we had less than a minute. "Okay commander I will do it."

"Great let's go." We walked into the council room splitting up, she took a seat near some man she seemed to know and I took my seat in the front row right in front of James and next to Wrex.

Tevos walked up to the podium. "Let this meeting be called to order." She looked around at the mix of races evenly before continuing. "Commander Shepard has brought an interesting option to my attention. She has suggested that 7 members be appointed this year." She paused looking around pretending she didn't already know that everyone in the room knew about it. "6 of them will be major races of our galaxy, the seventh race has not been determined yet. I will let Shepard have the floor to explain more to all of you." She said stepping backwards and I felt everyone's eyes on me as I took my place.

"The seventh race will need to be determined soon, otherwise when the new council votes things can get tricky, with a tie vote being able to happen. Runners for the seventh member are anywhere from Volus to the Elcor." I said sternly looking straight into the faces of the audience. If only Tevos were in front of me so I could gauge her reaction. "But for now we will decide on members of the 6 races. The Asari councilmember is spoken for. We now have to decide who each of the remaining races will choose to represent them. I'm not going to pretend that you all didn't already know this would happen. Even so, before I assume your votes are we all in favor of the new council system?" The word 'Aye' rang out the room unanimously from what I could tell.

Then Tevos walked beside me and said in a clear tone. "The Aye's have it then. Should any tweaks need to be made we will discuss it at the first council meeting. Thank you Commander Shepard." I nodded and made my way back to my seat as she continued. "I will call the races up one at a time. Please send either your races leader, current represent, or newly named council member to the stand. The first race to name their council member shall be the Quarian's." She stepped aside as Tali made her way up, I could tell even through her mask she was only looking at me as she got near the councilor.

"The Quarian's appoint Selor'Fann Vas Meedana to represent our race." As she said it Selor'Fann made his way up to stand behind Tevos.

"Next the Turians, please." Tevos said and a Turian I had not seen before made his way up to the front.

"I, Tiro Pakus, have been chosen to represent my people." He said standing next to the Quarian. Seeing the two races stand together made me remember catching Garrus and Tali making out before the battle. I had to stifle a laugh. Then I remembered she has lost him too, I'll have to check in with her later.

Next Wrex came up and announced their candidate, "Gorlol Tax will represent the Krogan!"

Then the Salarian, "I, Alek, Have been chosen to represent my people."

And finally it was the humans turn, I slowly made my way back up the steps. "The humans have chosen Lilly Aldune to represent our race." Lilly made her way up as I made my way down and I gave her an encouraging nod. She looked a little nervous under the surface but she could hide it well.

Tevos took the front again "You are all now staring at your new council. The 7th race will be voted on at the next meeting. Everyone except for the current council members and the following people may be dismissed: Urdnot Wrex, Admiral Hackett, Tali'Zorah, Liara T'soni, and Commander Shepard. Thank you all for attending."

I jumped up and quickly added, "Alex Mead needs to stay as well!" Tevos and a few others shot me a strange look but Liara just smiled.

"So we are all here now, first any questions about your duties?" most people shook their head.

Lilly cleared her throat. "Commander, why is Alex here?" she said eyeing the 20 something boy.

"He is your new assistant. He can also take a record of the meeting for us." I said looking at Alex who just nodded, obviously just happy to be here.

"If there are no more questions we will proceed." Tevos said looking at all of us as we stood around a table. "Our next course of action needs to be chosen now and well planned out, communications as well as resources are limited."

"How is the water supply?" Alek, the Salarian councilor, asked.

"Clean and plentiful, thankfully." Tevos answered.

"We need to work on communications." I said quickly.

"Shepard, I want to get home as much as the next person. Even more than the next person," Tali started, "But we need to focus on the here and now. There is much to be done and we don't even have a ship!"

"So we build one, Admiral how long would it take to build a new ship from salvaged parts?"

"well, we still have a few whole ships with only a few things gone wrong from that damned orange orb, so-"

"The orange orb is exactly what we need to be focusing on! We need to know why it did what it did and where it came from. More importantly if it will happen again." The Turian councilor, Tiro, demanded looking straight at me.

"The orange orb isn't going to happen again, and-"

"How can you say that for sure, Shepard?" Wrex asked.

"I," I paused searching my brain. "I just know. What we need to-" I started again.

"Commander Shepard, you've done a lot for us, for this entire galaxy but surely you can't expect us to follow you on blind faith alone?" Selor'Fann put in.

"What I expect is for all of you to understand how important communications are and stop asking me questions that don't need an answer right now." I said, maybe a little too harshly as I stared each of them down. "I'm going to ask my question now and no one better interrupt me this time." I paused for a moment. "Now, do we have a team in Reaper Space?" they looked at me as though I were insane.

"No Shepard we don't." Liara finally answered.

I looked to her. "Why not?"

"Commander," Hackett called attention to himself, we've been struggling to heal the wounded and find and bury the dead."

I took a deep breath and considered this. "I understand that and this may sound cold but the dead are gone, out there." I gestured to the window with millions of stars behind me. People are struggling to stay alive, to figure out where they are and why they can't contact anyone. We need to send a ship with a team towards reaper space right now."

"Commander," Alek interjected, "it will take them years to reach it."

I looked to my opposers "All the more reason to send it out now."

"Are you sure you're not just doing this for selfish reasons commander?" Tevos asked incredulously. "You need to have the galaxy's best interest in mind."

"I have always had the galaxy's best interest in mind!" I defended myself.

"Well do really need this right now?" Lilly asked looking at me. No one seemed to be on my side.

"Do we?" I asked gesturing around the table. "Maybe not those of us sitting here but others do. The Krogan need it, so they can go home and rebuild their race." I said looking pointedly to Gorlol and Wrex. "The Quarian's need it so they can finally live on the home world they have fought so long to get back." I looked to Tali and she looked down as though ashamed she wasn't fighting harder. "All the people out there on the stars need it because they have no hope of coming back." I looked at each member in turn. "We will be that hope."

A long silence ensued and finally the Tevos looked around. "What are we waiting for? Assemble a team of soldier's doctors and scientists. Make it small, fix up a ship and fill it with food." She commanded the councilors. Not really giving them a chance to vote. Not that I minded, this time.

Alek chimed in, "We need a ship with stasis pods to keep them asleep for the safer part of the journey, do we have any Asari ships left like that?"

After that was said more and more plans were made about food storage and team selection as I sighed, resting my hand on my stomach, below the table so none could see. Everyone was preoccupied but in that moment I knew that I would have this child, because it would be my Hope.

After note: Sorry this took so long, I ended up losing my inspiration for a bit. It was driving me crazy, wishing I could write and then not being able to! Thank you to all of those who waited patiently for this and a special thanks to Josh who inspired me to get back to writing!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Knock, knock, knock. "Ugh, come in." I groaned and turned over as my door slid open as well as the automatic blinds.

"Hey Lola." James sat his giant body down at the foot of my bed as I sat up. "How are you doing?" he looked pointedly at my stomach and I rolled my eyes. It's been 2 months since everyone found out about the baby and now they're trying to make me into some frail woman. I still can't believe Liara told everyone right after the meeting! I'll never know what she was thinking.

"Stop. That better not be the only reason you came in here Vega." I said a little grouchy.

He shook his head, "Of course not. I have more Commander of the Galaxy stuff for you."

"Oh great, the fun stuff. Lay it on me." I said sitting up fully in bed, still dressed in my clothes from the night before.

"So a bunch of people are finally reaching our London hub. Most got in early this morning and the rest will be here by the afternoon. And the best part is, they want you to lead the conference." He told me as I got changed and cleaned up in the bathroom.

"Of course they do. Clearly it wasn't Tevos' Idea?" I asked more than I stated.

"Actually, Commander, it was." He said this slowly because we both knew what it meant.

I peeked out of the bathroom, "What exactly is this conference on, if it's so bad Tevos doesn't want to lead it?" I watched him look away from me. "James…" I trailed off sternly.

He looked me dead in the eye. "It's about what happened up in the Citadel." I could feel my face flush as he said it. "So now it's time to answer to me Commander, what are you hiding about what happened up there?"

I quickly ducked my head in the bathroom and began brushing my teeth in silence. The lies and evasions worked for nearly 4 months, and now I'm going to be directly called out on it, in a meeting about nothing but that situation. No subject changes, no escape. I sigh. I hope they think I made the right decision, because I'm not even sure myself anymore.

"James it's complicated." I splashed some water on my face.

James appeared in my bathroom door, "Commander if you can't tell me, how are you going to tell all those people out there who feel lost, frightened, and are probably quick to anger?"

"James when I tell people they are either going to be extremely pissed, think I went totally crazy, or have questions I really can't answer." I sighed exasperated.

"Just tell me Commander."

"I had a choice to make. I made it."

"Well commander it seems like that's been the theme of your whole life and even when you ruffle some feathers everyone eventually realizes it's for the best. Just stick to your guns. Can't change the past, you know?"

I smiled a little. "Thanks James. Now stop being so wise its freaking me out."

Deep breath. You can do this. I miss my captains quarters on the ship, could talk out loud to myself and freak out in there without anyone seeing. In this public bathroom however its not working out so much. I reach for a towel and dry my face off from the repeated water splashing. Hey. I look up into the mirror. You've never given a shit what anyone thought before, you teamed up with Cerberus, was called a terrorist by Kaiden, and still got through it. You got this. It doesn't matter what they think or say. You are alive. They are alive. And the galaxy is still in one piece. One uncommunicative scattered piece. I shake my head.

"Commander they are ready for you." Lilly Aldune peeked her head around the bathroom door.

"Thanks. I'm on my way." With one last deep breath I walked out the door through the hallway and without breaking stride into the giant room we've filled with even more chairs and dubbed the Council Room. I stepped up to the podium. Everyone was silent. Looks like I'll have to start this.

"I know you all want your answers. And some of you have traveled a long way here to get them. First I want to thank those who were not in the London area and were found, then continued to help us find others like you. Next, all of you are damn fine soldiers and I want to personally thank you for helping us defeat the reapers!" There was cheering not as much as there would have been if there wasn't so much tension. "Now, the reason you are all here. I am the only survivor from the citadel. I killed the Illusive man to get there, had a damn fine man die next to me." I paused for a moment gathering myself. How exactly do I tell them? "And after a lot of thought I've decided to be honest with you all about what happened after I was, well basically, beamed up into the citadel. The Catalyst was an entity in the form of a small boy. I was told by the Catalyst he was in that form for my benefit, from my memory." There were gasps and murmurs and I could already tell an outburst wasn't far away. "I know this must sound crazy but bear with me." I added quietly before continuing. "I was presented with four choices in regards to how I would use the crucible." I stopped, not wanting to admit what the choices were. "The Catalyst was created by the Leviathans, its purpose is to oversee the reapers. He informed me that he made the reapers as his solution to each organic cycle being overtaken by their synthetic, because of over advancement of technology. The reapers job, his solution, was to destroy our cycle before we were felled by our synthetics. And that is what we all fought to prevent." I stopped hoping no one would notice that I skipped over the choices, figuring that was best. Full on conversations broke out, questions I couldn't make out and a general mess of noise. Until one clear voice rang through.

"What were the choices, Commander?" Tevos. Damn it.

"The choices aren't important. They're in the past now." I said trying to keep my voice level. Shouts from every direction demanding the choices hit me hard. "The choices," I said raising my voice above everyone else's. "Don't matter. If I had chose to let the reapers run their course would you all be alive? NO. If I had chose to merge us all into a half organic synthetic mix would you still be who you are? NO. If I were to control the reapers would you be here? Not once your synthetics overpowered all of you. I made the choice to destroy the reapers. I made the choice to keep fighting for what we set out to achieve. I made the choice so that all of YOU all of YOUR loved ones didn't die needlessly. I chose to keep the galaxy in one piece, to keep it ours. And it's because of that YOU ARE ALL STILL ALIVE." By the end I was yelling needlessly they had all fallen into total silence and I strode quickly out of the council room, out of the building and into the open night air only slowing once I hit the uncovered rough road we'd been using for vehicles.

After what seemed like hours but was probably no more than 15 minutes I turned back when I heard someone approaching, and quickly. Before I got a word out I heard the voice.

"Shepard how dare you!" I was close enough to the building to see the lights and Tali's silhouette coming very determinedly towards me. "How could you?" She demanded as she came face to face with me. "Killed all the Geth? Trapped me from my home planet?"

"Tali," I began.

"Garrus gone, possibly dead! You took everything from me!" She yelled.

So I decided to yell right back. "Everything? I'm sorry but I don't recall taking your life! And Kaiden was on that ship too, so was joker, I've lost just as much as all of you."

She reached up and slapped me, "You didn't lose your home planet! Most of your people!"

I Instinctively pulled my gun on her pointing it at her chest. "You're home planet isn't gone. Your people aren't gone. They are there. And thanks to my choice they are alive and themselves!" I shoved her away with my gun and stormed into the building blowing past the now tons of people living around here into my quarters and locking the door.


End file.
